Directed by Nello Rossati. Written by Roberto Gianviti, Nello Rossati. Cast: Franco Nero, Deborah Barrymore (Deborah Moore), Mary Stavin, William Berger, Larry Dolgin, Rodrigo Obregon, Steven Luotto, Shirley Hernandez, Robert Redcross, e con la partecipazione straordinaria di George Kennedy. (Unrated, 88 mins)
It can't be easy to take a story that blends INDIANA JONES adventure, Nazi war criminals, secret gold treasures, UFOs, Spanish conquistadors, government conspiracies, Cold War espionage, badly-staged bullfighting, angry cyborgs, and barfing aliens and make it this incredibly boring, but Nello Rossati's TOP LINE is an almost total snooze. Rossati, who had just done 1987's DJANGO STRIKES AGAIN, the first official sequel to Sergio Corbucci's 1966 spaghetti western classic, reunites with that film's star, the iconic Franco Nero, who can normally make anything interesting, but TOP LINE (also known as ALIEN TERMINATOR) finds everyone on an off day.
(SPOILERS follow)
Boozing, washed-up author Ted Angelo (Nero) is aimlessly idling about in Cartagena in a drunken haze when he inadvertantly stumbles on the trail of some secret gold treasure hidden in a cave. He's informed by his pal Alonso (Eurocult stalwart William Berger) that it's Nazi gold and wouldn't you know it...Alonso mysteriously turns up dead the next day. Proceeding with his investigation, Ted finds the gold, but also discovers a UFO in the cave, and then is almost killed by cackling Nazi war criminal-in-hiding Heinrich Holzmann (George Kennedy...yes, THAT George Kennedy), who nearly runs Ted down in his car and ends up forcing him to run barefoot through a cactus field before Ted ends up suffocating him by dumping a ton of sand on top of him.
"Yes, uh, Mr. Kennedy is here to see his agent."
Ted thinks that the UFO abducted a ship of Spanish conquistadors and their gold, but there's more to it, as the US government sends assassins to off Ted, and even the KGB is involved through their secret dealings with Holzmann. Ted ends up on the run with June (Deborah Moore--Roger Moore's daughter--but she's billed as "Deborah Barrymore"), who's sent to check on him by his ex-wife Maureen (Mary Stavin), who happens to be his publisher. The draggy film, little more than a Colombian travelogue with a maddeningly senseless, made-up-as-it-goes-along plot, finally lets the crazy break out with the late-in-the-game arrival of a pissed-off cyborg (Andy Sidaris regular Rodrigo Obregon) that immediately fries its face after accidentally igniting a fireworks display and ends up getting gored by a bull in a hilarious chain of events that has to be seen to be believed. But it gets better! After thinking they've fled to safety on Maureen's boat, Ted and June find an even greater evil when Maureen transforms into a gooey, slime-drenched, EXORCIST-green-puking alien that whips its long tongue around Ted's neck and says "You still taste good." Ted is understandably appalled that his ex-wife has been a reptilian extraterrestrial this whole time, but according to "Maureen," so has nearly everyone. "We've been here for 12,000 years," she/it explains. "We are in every position of power on this planet!"
And he thought she was a bitch before?
It's an imaginative THEY LIVE-style twist that arrives far too late to really be effective. TOP LINE has such a deliriously batshit closing 20 minutes that you be fooled into thinking it's more entertaining film than it really is. It's mostly awful, and the first 70 or so minutes are an absolute chore to endure. Easily one of Nero's least distinguished Italian efforts (DJANGO STRIKES AGAIN wasn't very good, either), but he'd find his way into a co-starring role in DIE HARD 2: DIE HARDER in a couple of years. The biggest surprise here is the partecipazione straordinaria di COOL HAND LUKE Oscar-winner Kennedy, in one of eight films he made in 1988 (did he really make this and DEMONWARP the same year he was in THE NAKED GUN?). With his brief two-scene role in TOP LINE (he's killed off less than halfway through), Kennedy joins the esteemed--and possibly blackmailed--likes of Henry Fonda in Ovidio Assonitis' TENTACLES (1977), Richard Harris in Bruno Mattei's STRIKE COMMANDO 2 (1988), and Brian Dennehy in Antonio Margheriti's INDIO (1989) in the "WTF is he/she doing in this?!" Italian Exploitation Hall of Fame. The veteran actor couldn't have been on the set for more than a couple of days, and likely took the job for a free trip to a Colombian resort. He didn't even stick around long enough to dub himself, and for an actor as recognizable as George Kennedy, being dubbed by a high-pitched, subpar Col. Klink-esque voice is distracting, to say the least.
Rodrigo Obregon!
Not surprisingly, the abysmal TOP LINE, made in the waning days of the Italian trash cinema heyday, never made it into US theaters, nor was it even given a VHS release. Its only US DVD release has been on a couple of those Mill Creek "50 Sci-Fi Classics" sets that you find at Best Buy or Wal-Mart for $10 or less, filled with public domain titles in mostly subpar, VHS-quality transfers. You can actually find some occasional diamonds in the rough on those things, but the ironically-titled TOP LINE is most definitely not.
The fourth film in the still-financially durable Vampires vs. Lycans franchise is about as disposably forgettable as it gets, with a threadbare plot that's just an excuse for one stylized video game battle after another. There's hardly a frame in this that isn't wall-to-wall CGI, and it mostly looks cruddy, though I can't say how it looked theatrically in 3-D. If someone told me Kate Beckinsale was completely CGI'd throughout, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised. After skipping the prequel third entry except for a brief cameo, Beckinsale returns--possibly at gunpoint--as vampire Seline, captured once humans get the edge on vampires and Lycans and spending ten years in a deep freeze. She's awakened and finds that she's somehow had a daughter (India Eisley, daughter of Olivia Hussey of the 1968 ROMEO & JULIET) while cryogenically frozen, and also that the Lycans, thought to be exterminated, are about to be more powerful than ever thanks to an even stronger strain that's been developed, plus the fact that Dr. Lane (Stephen Rea), ostensibly working on a Lycan antidote, is actually a Lycan developing a drug that makes them more dangerous than ever by producing an immunity to silver. So, the vampire/Lycan battle goes on. Again. Still.
Beckinsale looks great in her skin-tight leather outfit and AWAKENING is by far the goriest UNDERWORLD yet, but creatively, this franchise is running on fumes. Remember how cheap and careless something as majestic as the SUPERMAN series got by the time SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE rolled around? Similar situation here, despite the $70 million budget ($70 million! On this! And it looks like shit!), making it the most expensive UNDERWORLD yet. The CGI'd Lycans are laughably cartoonish and Seline's physical abilities make her look like the protagonist in a PS3 game. It's not often that you get to the fourth film in a franchise and the remaining participants are still as invested in it as they were in the first or even the second entries, back when the whole thing was new and fresh. UNDERWORLD: AWAKENING runs just 88 minutes, with the closing credits rolling at the 78-minute mark, which means that a full 11.36% of the movie is closing credits. Rea and Charles Dance (as a vampire lord) effortlessly bring some class to their supporting roles but they're doing the minimum to get by, and well, why wouldn't they? Wes Bentley has a small, uncredited role as one of Rea's assistants, Directed by the team of Mans Marlind & Bjorn Stein, as if that matters in the slightest. (R, 88 mins)
PLAYBACK (US, 2012)
Plot holes seem to be the primary menace in this inane Grand Rapids, MI-shot horror dud that feels like it's been kept in a storage unit since the J-horror craze of a decade ago. It opens with a 1994 prologue where town weirdo Harlan Diehl (Luke Bonczyk) slaughters his entire family--except for his sister's newborn son--and videotapes it before being killed by police. 18 years later, high school student Julian (played by 30-year-old Johnny Pacar) is making a short film about the Diehl tragedy--against the wishes of his mother--for a school project, borrowing some A/V equipment from butane-huffing creep Quinn (Toby Hemingway), who works at an area TV station and has a side business where he sets up hidden cameras in the girls locker room at the school and sells the footage to pervy local cop Lyons (a slumming Christian Slater, clearly on the Val Kilmer career plan). Quinn snoops around the TV station's archives and watches some footage of the Diehl incident and gets possessed--through the TV--by the spirit of Diehl. Turns out Diehl was the great-great-great grandson of late 19th century filmmaking pioneer Louis Le Prince (a real person), who, PLAYBACK asserts via Julian's video store co-worker and tireless exposition machine Wylie (Daryl "Chill" Mitchell), who's conveniently an expert in both Satanism and early experimental filmmakers, dabbled in the black arts and found a way to possess a soul through film. So Quinn is now possessed by the Diehl's ghost and starts killing off Julian's friends in a variety of gory ways, leading to a late twist that you likely figured out ten minutes into the film.
Writer/director Michael A. Nickles, a former actor (HAMBURGER HILL, LICENSE TO DRIVE, and, in what might be his signature role, Juan the Bandito in 8 HEADS IN A DUFFEL BAG), gives PLAYBACK one of the most laborious set-ups this side of Wes Craven's MY SOUL TO TAKE. It takes nearly half the running time to set the plot in motion, and it all feels like padding since the premise is barely enough to fill a TALES FROM THE CRYPT episode. Why is Christian Slater even in this? His character has no bearing on anything and it doesn't even feel like he's in the same movie. Most of the younger actors (I include Pacar even if he's closer to 40 than 18) have logged time on TV, but other than Slater and Mitchell, the only other actor of note in PLAYBACK is Mark Metcalf--aka ANIMAL HOUSE's Doug Neidermeyer--in a thankless role as a retired reporter. Unfocused, dull, and not at all scary, PLAYBACK only has a few spectacularly gory kills in its favor, but wait until someone puts them up on YouTube. Otherwise, this is recommended for only the most obsessive Christian Slater stalkers. (R, 99 mins)
Completed in 2009 and released in a handful of "select exclusive theaters" five days ago, director Darren Lynn Bousman's (SAW II-IV, REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA) very loose remake of the 1980 hillbilly horror cult classic loses the backwoods redneck element and turns it into a suburban home invasion thriller. It's ludicrous but alright for about an hour before taking an abrupt exit at Rob Zombietown and never finding its way back. A get-together at the home of Jaime King and Frank Grillo, still grieving over the tragic death of their son, is interrupted by a family of bank robbers who owned that very house before losing it in foreclosure. The criminals eagerly await the arrival of Mother, played with committed gusto by Rebecca De Mornay. The robbery didn't go as planned, and now they need $10K to get out of town and hold all the houseguests captive while they figure out what to do. This DESPERATE HOURS situation is never plausible, but it's watchable until it just gets sick and twisted for no reason other than Bousman realizing he made three SAW films and is remaking a film that caused a stir for being sick and twisted. This MOTHER'S DAY flies off the rails the moment De Mornay decides to make one of the female hostages (Briana Evigan) take her gunshot-wounded son's (Matt O'Leary) virginity. It doesn't work, because he's too injured to perform, but not before De Mornay tries fondling him erect. Really, Bousman?
Scott Milam's script just gets dumber from there. The hostages have plenty of chances to get the upper hand (like when De Mornay and trigger-happy son Warren Kole dance to Roger Miller's
"Do Wacka Do" and everyone's too obliviously busy watching two bickering
hostages brawl), but only try anything when it's completely impossible, because otherwise the film couldn't be stretched out to 112 minutes with about nine climaxes and a terrible ending. And this takes place in a neighborhood, but somehow, the screaming, the gunshots, and the commotion attract no attention. There seems to be one cop on duty in the whole town. Plus, there's a bunch of news and radio reports throughout the film of a tornado warning, with the twister on its way, but it must've taken the scenic route because it never comes. De Mornay's performance almost makes this worth seeing, even if she's basically playing her HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE character two decades later. She's always been an underrated actress and she's pretty terrific here, whether she's cozily sweet-talking her hostages with an evil gleam in her eyes, or the way she delivers Mother's cutting remarks. The bit where she takes a quick look at Evigan's extensive tattoos and, just from that, condescendingly sneers "Hmm...must've been rough after your father left," is priceless. It's too bad the film isn't up to her level. (R, 112 mins).
THE SHOCK LABYRINTH (Japan/The Netherlands, 2009) (2012 US release)
Reportedly Japan's first 3-D horror film, the largely loathed THE SHOCK LABYRINTH took three years to get a straight to-DVD/Blu-ray release in the US (there's also a 3-D Blu-ray available). Directed by J-horror auteur Takashi Shimizu (JU-ON, THE GRUDGE, MAREBITO), THE SHOCK LABYRINTH has proven wildly unpopular with horror fans, whose comments on IMDb (where it has an average rating of 3.9 out of 10) essentially dismiss it as "JU-ON for the under-12 set." THE SHOCK LABYRINTH's biggest crime seems to be that it's not the film Shimizu's fans wanted it to be. In a time-fractured narrative, college-aged Ken (Yuya Yagira) is visiting childhood friends and couple Motoko (Ryo Katsuji) and blind Rin (Ai Maeda), when they get an unexpected visit from Yuki (Misako Renbutsu). Yuki is in hospital garb and disoriented, and they haven't seen her in ten years. They aren't even sure it's her. They take Yuki to her sister Miyu (Erina Mizuno), who can't believe she's seeing Yuki, and their mother, who seems to have lost all connection with reality, doesn't even acknowledge she's there. When Yuki is injured, they take her to the nearest hospital, which they find almost completely abandoned except for the audible sound of children playing somewhere. Shimizu then cuts to five children at an amusement park ten years earlier. They go into the Shock Labyrinth, an abandoned funhouse, and encounter...themselves ten years later, in the abandoned hospital. Past and present continue to overlap as they piece together what happened in the Shock Labyrinth ten years earlier, and figure out why they've been drawn to this place to encounter the childhood versions of themselves.
There's not much here that's overtly scary (depending on how terrified you are of a stuffed toy rabbit that seems to get around on its own), but Shimizu is focused more on mood than shocks. Though he eventually caves to some iconic J-horror elements here and there, Shimizu's use of garish red and blue lighting, surreal imagery, creepy mannequins and animatronic funhouse figures, and a ghostly girl in a white dress indicate a very intentional homage to both Mario Bava and Dario Argento. There's audio and visual shout-outs to Argento's INFERNO, PHENOMENA, and SUSPIRIA and Bava's KILL, BABY...KILL! and LISA AND THE DEVIL just to name a few. So, fans may have wanted another JU-ON, but that's not THE SHOCK LABYRINTH's motive. There's almost no gore, but it does get a bit intense near the end. While the final reveal isn't exactly a shocker, THE SHOCK LABYRINTH is one of Shimizu's most interesting projects, and one not at all deserving of the derision that's been heaped upon it. (Unrated, 89 mins).
Written and directed by Joss Whedon. Cast: Robert Downey, Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Tom Hiddleston, Samuel L. Jackson, Stellan Skarsgard, Clark Gregg, Cobie Smulders, Gwyneth Paltrow, Powers Boothe, Jenny Agutter, Jerzy Skolimowski, Harry Dean Stanton, Alexis Denisof. (PG-13, 141 mins)
The kickoff to the summer movie season is a wet dream from geek god Joss Whedon, on quite a roll with this and THE CABIN IN THE WOODS. I should mention up front that I've never been a comic book guy, I don't know the extent of everyone's backstory and the best I can do is generally keep Marvel and DC characters in their right camp. I have no allegiance to Stan Lee. I have no opinion on how much Jack Kirby got screwed. Perhaps ignorance is bliss, but I'm just here to see the movie. And it's a blast from start to finish.
Ruffalo and Downey
Though perfectly fine as a stand-alone film, THE AVENGERS ties together plot threads from various big-screen Marvel predecessors. S.H.I.E.L.D. is in possession of the Tesseract, an energy source of unknown potential, in an underground facility raided by THOR villain Loki (Tom Hiddleston). Loki casts a spell on master archer Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) and Dr. Selvig (Stellan Skarsgard, also returning from THOR) and abducts them to take part in his evil plans of universal domination. S.H.I.E.L.D. chief Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) and Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg) assemble the Avengers: Tony Stark/Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr), Steve Rogers/Captain America (Chris Evans), Bruce Banner/The Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), and Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson). They're eventually joined by Thor (Chris Hemsworth) who comes from Asgard in search of Loki.
Tom Hiddleston as the evil Loki
THE AVENGERS is a pretty hard movie to dislike. It gives you everything you'd want in a great big-budget summer movie: terrific action, solid performances, and top-notch visual effects. Even the CGI'd Hulk is a huge improvement over its past big-screen incarnations, where it essentially looked like Shrek. The Hulk actually more or less steals the movie (especially when Captain America is giving complex directions to everyone and when he finally gets to the Hulk, simply says "Smash!"). Whedon incorporates much humor into THE AVENGERS (the Galaga bit is hilarious), but is careful to never let it get silly. Whether it's one of many quotable one-liners ("He's adopted" or "Phil? His first name is Agent", or Stark calling Thor "Point Break" and Hawkeye "Legolas") or the virtually non-stop action, THE AVENGERS is the kind of entertainment where even people like myself who aren't particularly into the comics just have a big stupid grin on their faces for the duration. Once the plot is set-up and everything is in place, a good chunk of the film (over half) is basically just two really long action sequences: the attack on S.H.I.E.L.D. by Loki's Chitauri accomplices, and later, their attack on Manhattan, which finally unites the bickering Avengers in truly spectacular fashion. All of the Marvel vets have their parts down perfectly, but really, Ruffalo is the big surprise here with a character that's been problematic, to say the least, as no one really likes either previous big-screen HULK attempt. Ruffalo finds just the right mannerisms and delivery to make Banner a credible, sympathetic character, and easily the best interpretation of Banner since Bill Bixby on the late '70s/early '80s TV series THE INCREDIBLE HULK.
There's not much else to say that hasn't already been said. I've enjoyed recent Marvel films like IRON MAN (probably the best until now), CAPTAIN AMERICA, and THOR (IRON MAN 2...not so much), but have never really felt a need to revisit them. THE AVENGERS, even more so than IRON MAN, really gets it right and for once, I can't wait to see it again. Just terrific fun all around. (Seen in regular version, because I just don't go for post-conversion 3-D)
In recent years, with occasional exceptions, Paramount has shown little interest in getting their extensive catalog of library titles out on DVD and now Blu-ray. A few years ago, they licensed several cult horror titles to Legend Films (among them THE SKULL, PHASE IV, THE SENDER, and THE POSSESSION OF JOEL DELANEY), and over the last couple of years, a number of titles have been farmed out to the relatively new Olive Films label. Two Paramount crime thrillers from 1973 that earned cult followings through late-night TV airings in the '80s are just out on DVD and Blu-ray from Olive.
HIT! (1973/US)
HIT! is an offbeat and frequently very strange thriller/character piece that often feels like what might've happened if French auteur Jean-Pierre Melville hadn't died in 1973, but instead came to Hollywood to make a blaxploitation flick. It's directed by veteran journeyman Sidney J. Furie, who had just made the Diana Ross blockbuster LADY SINGS THE BLUES and was in one of his occasional ambitious phases. It also reunites him with no less than four (!) of that film's co-stars (Billy Dee Williams, Richard Pryor, Paul Hampton, and Sid Melton). Williams is Nick Allen, a CIA operative whose 15-year-old daughter dies after being shot up with heroin by her shitbag boyfriend. Nick doesn't just want revenge on the boyfriend or the pusher who sold him the drugs--he wants to go after the whole operation, attacking it at its base in Marseilles. With the help of his hamburger-obsessed cop pal Dutch (Warren Kemmerling), Nick puts together a ragtag team of unlikely vigilantes, most with some drug-related tragedy in their past and all with government-related tax issues that he's willing to wipe clean if they help him out: there's electrician Mike (Pryor), whose wife was raped and killed by a junkie; college prof Barry (Hampton), high-class call girl and heroin addict Sherry (Gwen Welles), and aging Jewish couple Ida and Herman (Janet Brandt, Melton), who recently lost their son to a drug overdose. Nick takes them to an abandoned fishing town just past the Canadian border and intensely trains them and coordinates a complex takedown of the nine Marseilles drug lords who supplied the drugs that have, in various ways, profoundly changed all of their lives.
One of the chief complaints that's always been leveled at HIT! is its length. Running an admittedly bloated 135 minutes, it's uncommonly long for a genre picture of its type (and was usually shown on TV in a two-hour timeslot, with commercials, which means at least 35 minutes had to be chopped out). But is it just a genre picture? Furie was never a "making a statement" type of director, though he did later make the budget-starved anti-nuke fiasco SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE. Furie's quality films are mostly confined to the earlier part of his career (he's still active at 79), with titles like THE IPCRESS FILE (1965) and THE APPALOOSA (1966), and even as late as 1982 with the supernatural horror film THE ENTITY. By that point, he seemed to settle for being a hired gun and became a go-to guy to get genre films done on time, on budget, and without hassle, helming three of the four IRON EAGLE films and the 1992 Rodney Dangerfield comedy LADYBUGS before moving on to TV and straight-to-video. But Furie's earlier days had a lot of promise and HIT! aims high. A lot of screen time is given to the French drug lords, as we see them trying on expensive clothes, stuffing their faces with ludicrously lavish meals, living lives of privileged and often degenerate luxury and it's juxtaposed with the effects of their operation in the ghettos of America. This could've easily been an 85-minute drive-in programmer focusing just on the revenge, but Furie and the screenwriters are going for more. They give it room to breathe, room for the actors to work and room for the characters to be established (though prof Barry's backstory is still a little hazy). A real camaraderie and sense of closeness develops with this odd group of people, which makes it all the more shocking once the bright red 1970s blood starts splashing across the screen in the final act. Anchored by an intense, driven performance by Williams, HIT! is a frequently unbelievable and sometimes disorientingly odd film that rewards the patient viewer looking for something more than just another vigilante shoot 'em up. Olive's Blu-ray presents the film in a nice 2.35:1 transfer. This would make a great double bill with Enzo G. Castellari's similarly-plotted but more straightforward THE BIG RACKET (1976), another film where a vengeance-obsessed law figure (Fabio Testi) assembles a ragtag group of enraged citizens whose lives have been ruined by the city's crime syndicate and corrupt law enforcement. (R, 135 mins).
BADGE 373 (1973/US)
A box office flop in 1973, BADGE 373 was another film "inspired by the exploits of Eddie Egan," the NYC supercop who also provided the basis for THE FRENCH CONNECTION's Popeye Doyle, which earned Gene Hackman an Oscar a couple of years earlier. FRENCH CONNECTION producer Phil D'Antoni made an unofficial follow-up with 1973's THE SEVEN-UPS and there was the official FRENCH CONNECTION II in 1975, but Egan worked with producer/director Howard W. Koch for BADGE 373, and even appears in a supporting role as the lieutenant of Egan surrogate Eddie Ryan (Robert Duvall). Ryan is a rule-breaking, chain-smoking, foul-mouthed, racist, homophobic, anti-Semitic, sexist Irish cop who gets suspended after a Puerto Rican suspect he was pursuing falls from a rooftop and everyone just assumes Ryan pushed him. But when his partner Gigi (Louis Cosentino) has his throat slashed, Ryan is convinced Puerto Rican drug pusher/arms dealer Sweet William (Henry Darrow) is responsible and goes after him on his own time. Like Popeye Doyle, Duvall's Eddie Ryan is a heroic figure, but thoroughly loathsome: he's constantly complaining about "spics," "spades," and "Jew pricks," calls a junkie prostitute a "poked-up whore bitch," and barks at a perp, "You look like you take it up the chocolate-covered speedway." Of course, we're supposed to root for Eddie because all he wants is justice, but he's pretty much a total asshole (I'd hate to see the character elements Egan didn't approve), even if it's probably an accurate portrayal for its era.
BADGE 373's content is certain to offend some viewers in today's more PC times, but what a visual portrait of 1973 New York City! Shot entirely on location in some of the city's seediest areas, BADGE 373 is fascinating on that level alone. There's also the required post-FRENCH CONNECTION destructive chase sequence, and it's pretty good. Not SEVEN-UPS good, but pretty good (it involves a foot chase through some tenements, leading to Eddie commandeering a city bus). Written by iconic NYC columnist Pete Hamill, BADGE 373 loses some steam after its riveting first hour, and could've used some tightening in the second half, which focuses too much on Eddie's relationship with girlfriend of five weeks Maureen (Verna Bloom), who's perhaps the clingiest and most grating girlfriend in all of cop cinema. Darrow, hiding behind sunglasses and a hilariously fake moustache, seems to be channeling Jack Palance and really hams it up in the climax. An uncredited, pre-GOOD TIMES Jimmie Walker can be spotted hanging out on the steps in a tenement during the chase scene. Not a front-to-back winner, but BADGE 373 the kind of tough, mean, outrageously politically incorrect relic of a bygone era that fans of '70's NYC grime will appreciate in this terrific-looking transfer, framed at 1.78:1. (R, 116 mins)
Directed by Michele Lupo. Written by Marcello Fondato and Francesco Scardamaglia. Cast: Bud Spencer, Raimund Harmstorf, Cary Guffey, Joe Bugner, Gigi Bonos, Carlo Reali. (Unrated, 89 mins).
WHY DID YOU PICK ON ME? (1980/Italy)
Directed by Michele Lupo. Written by Marcello Fondato and Francesco Scardamaglia. Cast: Bud Spencer, Cary Guffey, Ferruccio Amendola, Robert Hundar, John Bartha, Carlo Reali. (Unrated, 87 mins)
Have you ever been trying to describe something to someone and they don't know what you're talking about and look at you like you're insane? This happens to me with an alarming degree of frequency. It was worse back in the pre-Internet days. At least now, when you're describing something you've seen or experienced and the only reaction you get is a blank stare back at you, you can Google it and have evidence of it in seconds. Back in the early '90s, just as Crystal Pepsi was rolling out, I once spent the bulk of an evening trying to convince two people of the short-lived existence of the late '70s soft drink Pepsi Light, which was Pepsi with lemon flavor added. They looked at me like I was crazy. I even described the blue logo with a lemon on it. "Are you making this shit up?" one guy asked. Why would I make it up? I later experienced a similar ordeal at a party when old-school arcade games came up in conversation, and I said "Hey, remember Baby Pac-Man? The arcade game that was half-pinball machine?" Blank stares all around. Me: "Yeah, it had the screen and was a regular Pac-Man game, but when you steered Pac-Man to the bottom of the screen, he'd go off the game and a ball would pop out and you'd play the pinball part of the game." This was not jogging any memories. "You're full of shit!" someone said. "No, I'm not. This thing existed. I played it! It wasn't there very long, but it was at the arcade at Northtowne Mall!" I knew Pepsi Light was real, and I knew I played Baby Pac-Man, and nobody was going to convince me I didn't. I wasn't imagining things, but I had no way to prove it. So I ended up looking like a loon with my shitty lemon Pepsi and my made-up Pac-Man half-arcade/half-pinball machine. But now, thanks to the Internet, vindication is mine!
See? The blue logo? Lemon? SEE?!?!
YOU SEE?!?!?!
So what does any of this have to do with THE SHERIFF AND THE SATELLITE KID? For years, I thought I imagined this movie. Not that it was particularly good, but it would periodically pop into my head and I could never remember the title. Additionally, all attempts at describing it to people got me those same incredulous Pepsi Light and Baby Pac-Man stares that were equal parts confusion, disdain, and possibly pity. All I could remember was that I saw it on TV when I was maybe 8 or 9, which would've been 1981-82, and it had this burly sheriff, his deputy who spoke in rhyme, a bunch of funny fight scenes scored to "wacky" music, and it involved a child alien played by the kid who got abducted in CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977). We take things like IMDb for granted, but prior to the ease and availability of almost literally everything on the Internet, these kinds of mysteries could haunt movie fans for years. This film had evaporated from my mind until I was on one of those aimless, random tears through IMDb where you just start clicking on various titles and names, and I somehow ended up at spaghetti western star Bud Spencer, and eventually got to 1979's UNO SCERIFFO EXTRATERRESTRE - POCO EXTRA E MOLTO TERRESTRE. I clicked on it. Wait, what's this? Alternate title THE SHERIFF AND THE SATELLITE KID? Wait a second. Cary Guffey? The kid from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS?! Holy shit! Hold on...this is THAT movie!
And then I promptly forgot about it and went on with my life.
That was many years ago, but it turns out a lot of people my age have fond memories of this badly-dubbed Italian obscurity. I can't find any evidence of it ever getting a US theatrical release, so it must've gone straight to cable or network TV and was likely one of those things that got stumbled upon by kids stuck inside on rainy days, latchkey kids just getting home from school or really weird kids who might've been fans of THEY CALL ME TRINITY. After watching it for the first time in what must be 30 years, it turns out there were still scenes that I vividly remembered. But why? The movie's terrible.
Spencer stars as Sheriff Hall, whose small town of Newnan, GA (where most of this was filmed, about 40 miles from Atlanta) gets caught up in UFO fever when one is spotted hovering about. Not coincidentally, a mysterious little boy (Guffey) turns up wandering around a nearby amusement park (actually the Six Flags in Atlanta). Calling himself H7-25, the boy says he's from another world, but of course, Hall doesn't believe him, despite massive evidence that supports H7-25's claims: he exhibits "biomagnetic power," can power electronic devices just by being near them, heals the sciatica of Hall's elderly, constantly rhyming deputy (Gigi Bonos), can make a horse talk, has the ability to freeze and rewind time, and has a squad of military goons led by Briggs (Raimund Harmstorf) in hot pursuit. Eventually, after finally being convinced, the Sheriff teams up with town troublemaker Brennan (Joe Bugner) to protect H7-25 and take on Briggs, which basically results in a lot of bad country music and one slapstick brawl after another. One takes place in a supermarket, which has peculiarly-staged displays in the middle of aisles that seem to exist only for Spencer to toss people into them, since the store probably still had actual customers in it at the time. The same goes for a car chase where boxes and other items are strategically placed in the middle of the road for him to plow through.
This is pretty childish fare for the most part, but some it is amusing, especially when H7-25 starts pulling a ONE FROGGY EVENING on the Sheriff when he tries to tell anyone that the kiddie alien has incredible powers. I can see where the constant slapstick brawling would provide much entertainment for undiscriminating viewers under ten years of age, and Spencer seems to genuinely be having a good time working with young Guffey. Seven-year-old Guffey, in his first film after CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, was from Georgia and even at this young age, never intended on acting as a full-time gig. There's an interview with him on YouTube where he talks about how CLOSE ENCOUNTERS got him all this notoriety at a very young age, leading to him being offered the role as Danny in THE SHINING and his parents turned it down. Clearly, they went with this Italian film simply because it was being filmed close to home and over the summer when Guffey was out of school. Georgia saw a lot of Italian film activity during this period, with many films shot in Atlanta and Savannah from 1978-80 (THE VISITOR, CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE, CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD, and others), and numerous Atlanta landmarks are on display in SHERIFF: the downtown area, with the Equitable building and Peachtree Plaza, and H7-25 is captured by Briggs outside the Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium, the now-demolished former home of the Atlanta Braves. And, as if the casting of Guffey wasn't a blatant enough nod to CLOSE ENCOUNTERS, H7-25's alien family has made arrangements to meet him at Stone Mountain, noted for its Confederate Memorial carving of Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee, and Jefferson Davis.
THE SHERIFF AND THE SATELLITE KID appears to have gone straight to TV in the US, but was a big enough hit in Europe to bring Spencer back to Atlanta to reunite with Guffey and director Michele Lupo for a 1980 sequel, titled WHY DID YOU PICK ON ME?, aka EVERYTHING HAPPENS TO ME. It's largely more of the same, with H7-25 coming back to Earth to visit Sheriff Hall, who gets a job in another town, rechristening the boy "Charlie," and passing him off as his nephew. This time, H7-25 is being pursued by evil alien robots led by Robert Hundar, while Hall tries to deal with a predictably wacky motorcycle gang that seems like an annoying version of the Village People. Juvenile antics ensue, along with more downtown Atlanta sightseeing and a return trip to the Atlanta Six Flags, plus the unique sight of Bud Spencer drinking a can of Tab, visiting a Kentucky Fried Chicken, and, briefly near the end, doing what looked suspiciously like The Robot. The first film was hardly a model of narrative cohesion, but the sequel is all over the place, with large portions of the running time devoted to Spencer dealing with the motorcycle gang (including a sequence in a Mexican restaurant where he goes undercover as a bartender) and he and Guffey are split up for a good chunk of the film, which may be an indication that the filmmakers didn't have as much access to the young actor the second time around, as he perhaps didn't want to waste a second summer vacation making another bad ripoff of a classic film in which he starred. While both THE SHERIFF AND THE SATELLITE KID and WHY DID YOU PICK ON ME? are available from bootleg DVD outfits, neither has officially been released on home video in the US. I'm not even sure if WHY DID YOU PICK ON ME? was even granted the straight-to-television release in the US that its predecessor received.
Another entry in the new wave of apocalypse cinema, RETREAT uses the end of the world as the basis for a psychological thriller. Clearly troubled married couple Cillian Murphy and Thandie Newton head to an isolated island cottage in the middle of nowhere. She's devastated by a recent miscarriage and resentful of Murphy's apparent non-reaction to it. The cottage owner isn't answering his CB, the generator goes, military planes start flying overhead, and she feels the need to cover herself with a towel when he tries to enter the bathroom. Into this already tense situation comes dazed, bloodied Jamie Bell. He has a gun and claims his boat sank, but he brings worse news: a superflu pandemic is wiping out the rest of the world and it's only a matter of time before it reaches them. Bell starts fortifying the cottage as it becomes a powderkeg of unresolved issues, lingering tensions, shifting roles, and head games. Plus there's the very real possibility that the increasingly unhinged Bell is making it all up. Director/co-writer Carl Tibbetts moves things along quite briskly and somewhat rushes through things (Newton's inevitable Stockholm Syndrome/questioning of Murphy's manhood hits and passes so quickly that you might miss it) and isn't very subtle with the foreshadowing (when Murphy pulls out an inhaler early on, do you think there's any chance he'll be stricken by a sudden asthma attack at a crucial moment later on?), but it's a diverting thriller that actually has a creative and unpredictable twist and Bell (will it ever be possible to look at him and not see BILLY ELLIOT?) makes a very credible creep. (R, 90 mins)
THE TUNNEL (2011/Australia)
Another BLAIR WITCH-inspired faux documentary with long scenes shot in night vision? With a misspelled blurb ("skilful"?) on the poster art? Yes, but before dismissing it entirely, know that the low-budget Australian import THE TUNNEL is a surprisingly effective knockoff that gets a lot of mileage out of a great location and believable performances by its four leads before succumbing to familiarity late in the game. When the New South Wales government abruptly abandons its much-ballyhooed plans to build an underground water recycling plant in the miles of unused train tunnels under Sydney and won't tell the media why, ambitious TV news reporter Nat (Bel Delia) thinks it has something to do with reports of homeless people disappearing in the tunnels where many have made a makeshift home. Nat, producer Peter (Andy Rodoreda), camera operator Steve (Steve Davis), and sound man Tangles (Luke Arnold) sneak into the tunnels unauthorized and soon wish they hadn't. They find evidence of people living there, but no one's around, and Tangles starts picking up strange whispers in his headset. And because Nat never bothered to run any of this by their boss, no one knows they're down there. Director Carlo Ledesma isn't breaking new ground here and there's been no shortage of underground tunnel-related fright flicks in recent years (CREEP, THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN, STAG NIGHT) and certainly no shortage of faux documentary/found footage films. But like the terrific LAKE MUNGO, another fairly recent Australian film with the overused faux-doc set-up, THE TUNNEL succeeds despite everyone being sick of its type. It even provides an excuse for why Steve continues to film all of the action instead of putting the camera down and running (it's their only light source after the flashlights mysteriously vanish). Only near the climax, when Ledesma starts cribbing a little too brazenly from BLAIR WITCH, right down to the same tilted angles that date back to Ruggero Deodato's CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST, does it start to seem stale and dated. But when the quartet finds themselves hopelessly lost in the endless, narrow, claustrophobic catacombs under the city, listening to every sound and eerie whisper, coupled with the way Ledesma very subtly lets the menace be seen in very fleeting glimpses, there's no denying that THE TUNNEL gets the job done. (Unrated, 90 mins)
WYATT EARP'S REVENGE (2012/US)
Val Kilmer's iconic performance as Doc Holliday in 1993's TOMBSTONE will likely go down as his finest work, especially since he's spent most of the last decade in some of the worst DTV swill out there, in addition to his unholy alliance with 50 Cent (STREETS OF BLOOD, GUN, BLOOD OUT). I still think Kilmer's got an Oscar-worthy performance left in him, and he occasionally finds himself in supporting roles in quality films, but those are few and far between. So bad are most of Kilmer's films these days that the dull and uninspired WYATT EARP'S REVENGE isn't even that good and yet, it's one of the classier DTV films he's done. Kilmer's participation is minimal, playing an aged Earp in 1907, telling his story to a newspaper reporter. The bulk of the film focuses on Earp 30 years earlier, and played by Shawn Roberts, who heads a cast of basic cable and basement-dwelling network mainstays playing cowboy dressup and making YOUNG GUNS look like THE PROPOSITION (half the cast seems to have been recruited from the CW's HART OF DIXIE). When Earp's fiancee Dora (former AMERICAN IDOL runner-up Diana DeGarmo) is killed by vicious outlaw Spike Kenedy (Daniel Booko), he forms a posse, which includes Bat Masterson (KYLE XY's Matt Dallas), and they're off in hot pursuit. WYATT EARP'S REVENGE isn't awful, but except for some incidental swearing and one gruesome bullet removal, it feels like it was made for the Hallmark Channel. All of Kilmer's scenes have him seated, talking to the reporter and looking like he borrowed his get-up from one of those old-timey photo booths at an amusement park. He was probably on and off the set in a day, two tops, and still manages to turn in a better performance than everyone else. The only other name of note is country music star Trace Adkins, who's second-billed but doesn't even appear until 70 minutes in and can't act to save his life. Given its low-budget DTV origins, the film is surprisingly well-shot, with only Adkins' terrible acting and a couple of ineptly-staged fistfights to provide unintended laughs. Tired and forgettable but, simply by default, one of Kilmer's more tolerable recent efforts. And that's just sad. (PG-13, 93 mins)
